Habits of the Household – Book Notes
My wife and I continue to marvel together over the beauty and help we found in this book. Justin introduced us to new categories of thinking about family life and family discipleship that are beautifully shaping the tone and rhythms of our home.
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The Book In Three Sentences
1. Habits and routines are liturgies that can and do shape the culture of our homes.
Spiritual disciplines are not legalistic attempts to attain God's love or favor; they are habits and routines that lead our hearts and remind them of God's love and nearness.
This book is about leveraging our homes, communities, parenting, and habits to become more aware of the reality and story of God.
Quick Impression
This book was rich food for the soul as much as it was practical. When recommending this book to a friend, my wife described it perfectly – “think Every Moment Holy meets Atomic Habits.” My wife and I continue to marvel together over the beauty and help we found in this book. Justin introduced us to new categories of thinking about family life and family discipleship that are beautifully shaping the tone and rhythms of our home.
Who Should Read It?
Families of all kinds should read this book.
In truth, I believe that any Christian seeking to know and experience the love of Christ each day should read this book. Though it features young family dynamics, it's a book about spiritual disciplines, rhythms of life, community, and our pursuit of God. I think there are beautiful and powerful thoughts that most anyone could glean from this book.
Justin confesses to writing mostly to parents of young children simply because that's the season of life he was in when writing the book.
Why I Read This Book
I read this book because my wife recommended it. I didn't know much about the book and was unaware of the author. Emily said that many of her friends were sharing and posting about Habits of the Household, and it sparked her curiosity. Since we have been learning, growing, and encouraging others in family worship, we thought this book might be helpful. By the end of the first chapter, it had already become one of my favorite books.
How It Changed Me
This book has many practical suggestions that have been helpful and some that I still hope to adopt in time. For example, the habit of kneeling in prayer first thing in the morning to “let the light in.” I can't tell you how much I've profoundly benefited from this practice.
While the practical habits are helpful, I have been most changed by Justin's perspective on these habits. For example, the point of kneeling in prayer first thing in the morning isn't to prove anything to myself or God. I'm not trying to earn anything. I'm leading my heart. I'm reminding myself that God is looking at me. That he sees me this morning. That he loves me. As I wake in a dark world, I need a reminder that there is a Light that overcomes the darkness in me and around me. When I practice morning prayer with this perspective, I'm typically lighter, more energized, more satisfied, content, and full of greater passion and zeal. I feel that I am tapping into a little bit more of the abundant life that Christ has for me.
Top 3 Quotes
…our habits won't change God's love for us, but God's love for us can and should change our habits.
…when it comes to spiritual formation, our households are not simply products of what we teach and say. They are much more products of what we practice and do.
The most Christian way to think about our households is that they are little “schools of love,” places where we have one vocation, one calling: to form all who live here into lovers of God and neighbor. This is not a works-based legalistic endeavor, it's a grace-based beautiful one…When brothers and sisters who came before us set out to form communal habits, they weren't trying to prove or earn anything. They were trying to create a framework of habit on which the love of God and neighbor could grow.
My Notes
Forward
Just because something is normal doesn't mean it's healthy.
Introduction: Reimagining HouseHold Habits as Gospel Liturgies
Our routines and habits are more than what we do; they are who we are and who we are becoming.
Liturgies are patterns we repeat over and over again to draw our hearts into worship. They are habits we develop to draw our attention to the bigger story of God daily.
New habits feel weird at first. Doubly weird and awkward when they are communal. But with time, they become a part of who we are. They are “what we do around here.”
Habits and routines shape the culture of our homes.
Habits and routines are about the collective benefit. Significant growth is rarely apparent “in the moment.” It's repeating a thing over and over again that gives it tremendous value over time.
This isn't just for the kids. Leading new family habits, routines and liturgies changes us. It awakens us to more of God's grace and love in our everyday lives.
The ability to form habits – a tool that helps us gain value on a kind of autopilot or subconscious level – is a gift from God.
Our brains love ruts. The question is, are we carving out good ruts, good tracks to run on, or are we defaulting to ruts that will lead us to places we'd rather not go?
Habits aren't neutral; they take us somewhere. They are forming us. They are leading us down a path.
Habits shape our hearts.
What we do speaks louder than what we say. Our lived-out faith (or lack of) in our homes says more to our kids than an hour-long Sunday school lesson once a week.
Spiritual disciplines are not legalistic attempts to attain God. Spiritual disciplines are habits that lead our hearts. Our spiritual disciplines, or lack of, form us and shape us. What we do and practice shapes us far more than what we learn.
Spiritual disciplines and pursuit of holiness and love are less about back-breaking burdens and more about setting up things in our lives that allow us to flourish and thrive. Our homes can become “schools of love” where we grow together in God's love. We aren't trying to prove anything by doing this. We are simply trying to take hold of the love and grace that God has given. We want His love to shape us.
Why are we settling for the American normal when it comes to family life?
It seems silly to me to care about changing the world “out there” while doing nothing about shaping the world within our homes.
Our homes are formation machines. This is what communities are meant to do, and no community is more influential than the one we share with those in our homes. We are being formed by our homes and family culture one way or another. As leaders of our homes, what habits and routines are forming the members?
As Christians, the yoke is easy because we aren't making this up on our own; we are simply seeking to follow Jesus.
Thinking less about how to be a parent and more about being a child of God will help us in our parenting.
The real burden on our backs is continuing to do nothing about the habits and rhythms of our home that aren't life-giving. Following Jesus, as we embrace new liturgies in our home will be refreshing and life-giving to the whole family.
How To Read This Book
Parenting is hard and messy. Our hope and prayer are for the divine reality to break into our messy reality.
Who our children become is influenced by who we are becoming.
Forming children is actually about forming parents. Parenting is less about what God is doing in children and more about what God is doing in the parents.
As parents, we can't give what we don't have. If we want to disciple our kids, we need to be disciples. If we want to offer God's grace, we must know and experience God's grace.
The greatest spiritual work happens in our normal, everyday lives. The repeated moments that seem meaningless and mundane are often some of the most profound spiritual moments. They are shaping us little by little.
Some of our most important work and our greatest opportunities to meet with God happen in the everyday moments of our lives.
Caring about your routines and habits isn't legalistic. Caring about them and seeing their importance isn't the same as saying they determine God's love and grace.
our habits won't change God's love for us, but God's love for us can and should change our habits.
Chapter 1: Waking
Felt love creates felt safety in a way that being rational never can.^^ Children who are afraid of the monsters in the closet remind us that fear feels real regardless of what is real. Grown-ups also have monsters in the closet, irrational worries, and fears that fill us with anxiety and worry.
The stories we tell can affirm the truth while also helping us feel the truth.
We don't just need to wake up each day physically; we need to internally wake up to the reality and the true story of God's love.
Considering our morning routine is about considering which story of reality we are rehearsing each morning. Is flipping on the news rehearsing a story of fear? Is grabbing for our phone rehearsing the story of comparison and performance? For me, time in the Word and prayer in the morning isn't about being good enough for God; it's a spiritual disciple that helps me rehearse the story of God's love.
We are rarely aware of how habits and routines influence and direct our lives. A part of their power in our lives is their invisibility.
What story are we telling as a family with our habits? What realities are we rehearsing?
Just like we open the curtains to let the light into our homes in the morning, we need to open the curtains of our hearts and let the light of Christ flood into our homes and hearts. Spiritual disciplines like reading the Word, prayer, and family worship are ways to let the light in.
The liturgy of kneeling for a short prayer first thing in the morning to wake me up to the reality of God and His love for me has been one of the most practically transformative things I've picked up from this book.
We are born looking for someone who is looking for us. Each day we wake up, we look for the gaze of someone who loves us. Only God can satisfy our deep longing to be seen and loved each day. With our phones, we often look for someone who is looking at us, but there is often no one there. And even if there is, it isn't satisfying. We feel the need to continue to earn their gaze, attention, and love. In reading the Word, we turn our attention to God and see Him looking back at us.
As we seek to awaken to God's love daily through our morning schedules and routines, we do so not to be good parents or good children of God. We are intentional about these things because we know that, on our own, we are bad at waking up to and living out the story of God's love.
Chapter 2: Mealtimes
Throughout the Bible, we see that food is relational. Food is rarely about physical nourishment alone.
One of the most relational things we can do with our families is to have a routine of sitting down and eating meals together. The emotional and mental health benefits are well documented.
Eating meals together is a keystone habit that supports other healthy rhythms and habits within our homes.
It's a hassle to get dinner ready for everyone, day after day, and then there is all the clean-up! But preparing a meal and dining together communicates that we aren't just interested in consuming. Communing with one another matters in this home.
Relationships take work; preparing meals and cleaning up after them are rhythms that remind us of this truth.
The rhythms and traditions of family mealtimes matter in subtle but deep ways. Holding hands reminds us that we are connected. Waiting for everyone to get their food helps us practice patience and delayed gratification. We say thank you to those who made the food as a way of practicing encouragement. We practice forgiveness when drinks are spilled.
The things that become normal for us shape us.
Parenting and spiritual leading aren't so much about gearing up for the big spiritual moments in our days – it's about paying attention to the things that are normal in our homes.
Justin helped me sort through the difference between entertaining and offering hospitality. Hospitality is inviting people into your life (mess and all!). It's about opening up your life (your home, your meals, your rhythms, your normal) and inviting someone outside of your home inside. Entertaining is about putting on a show. That's not a bad thing. Sometimes it's good and fun to entertain (birthday parties, for example). But for entertaining, we are most likely cleaning up a little more than normal and making sure to put our best foot forward.
Chapter 3: Discipline
The end of discipline shouldn't be controlling the behavior of our children. I say the end because, at first, discipline may be about controlling behavior. For example, discipline can keep my children from running out into a street of moving vehicles. Ultimately, I want my children to understand why they shouldn't run carelessly into the road. I want my heart to keep them safe to connect with their hearts. Discipline is never pleasant in the moment. My little girl often breaks into tears if I speak a word of discipline to her about running into the road. But I am not displeased or dissatisfied with her. A father disciplines the one he loves. The unpleasant feelings of discipline can easily be mistaken as a loss of love when in reality, my love is the very reason for the discipline. My job is to steward my kids' hearts and minds to understand why a busy street is dangerous. That's a negative example of discipline. But ultimately, good discipline is positive. The final goal of discipline is discipleship. It's stewarding my kid's hearts towards a God that loves them.
Discipline requires healthy and loving authority. Authority is…” involved and even interruptive. Authority intervenes with loving strength.”
In discipline, I'm not asking my children to understand before obeying me. They must respect and obey me because I have authority as their dad. My kids are not autonomous. They will never live without limits or a lack of authority over them.
Though discipline and authority are healthy and needed – I am sinful and can use them in sinful ways in my children's lives. One way to ensure I am not selfishly exercising disciple and authority out of frustration and irritation is to practice pausing to give myself a moment to think before executing discipline.
Discipline disciples both me and my children. Moments of discipline often highlight areas of my own heart that need correction. As Justin says, “parents need parenting.” I am more like my children than God. For example, when my kids won't share their toys, it's good for me to remember that I, too, am selfish, stingy, and lack a generous heart—seeing the depths of my sin gives me compassion and grace even as I'm disciplining and discipling my children.
Body language speaks as loud as words. Eye contact is important. Closeness is needed. Things that communicate that, though you are in a moment of discipline, you haven't lost my love. If I can't physically move toward my children in love, something is not right in my heart.
Though my kids don't need to understand me before I expect them to obey me, I ultimately want them to understand and will do my best to seek it. Again, I am not just looking to control behavior but to lead their hearts. Part of leading their heart is seeking to understand their heart. Sin often has less to do with what _we did and more with _why we did it.
Justin's thoughts on consequences helped me. He mentions that he is “wary of consequences unrelated to the moment” and consequences that create distance rather than moving us towards closeness and reconciliation. Sometimes we need time alone to think things over, but sometimes a good consequence is having kids work alongside you. Either way, we want to show that though sin isolates us and creates distance between us and God, our desire (and God's desire) is for reconciliation and a greater relational closeness.
Confession and apologies lead our hearts.
Playfulness and physical affection are important as we reconcile after discipline. We want to affirm our love verbally, but we also want to physically show our love through hugs, tickling, and physical closeness. We are again showing and reaffirming that a moment of discipline doesn't mean a loss of love.
Chapter 4: Screentime
A big part of parenting is placing healthy limits on our children because their desires are infinite. They don't yet know the dangers of indulging in every whim and urge. Thoughts like this take me to Proverbs because much of it is about a Father encouraging and teaching a son about wise and healthy limits as he ventures into a world full of delights and dangers. Ultimately, we want to train our kids to set healthy limits for themselves, but it's good and right for parents to simply set these limits and boundaries when our kids are young.
The American way is to recoil at limits. The growing mindset is that setting limits is cruel. Early makes the point that “limits are the way to the good life” and happiness in the story of God. A lack of limits will ultimately imprison us; healthy limits lead to real freedom, autonomy, dignity, and beauty in our lives.
Regarding media in our house, we try to be mindful of the consume vs. create ratio. We want to create more than we consume. Even in our media consumption, we lean towards most of it being educational. We value learning and believe learning and creating are a lot of fun. Creating gives us purpose, makes us proud (in a good way), and is incredibly satisfying. Entertaining ourselves to death because we don't know what else to do is boring and produces a lack of fulfillment. We enjoy our pure entertainment. We are a movie-loving family, and our kids have their favorite shows. We just try to be watchful and mindful. In different seasons we have different rules. And when we find we are drifting towards too much screentime (it's hard for mom and dad too!), we try to establish new boundaries for everyone. Sometimes these boundaries are temporary, and sometimes they end up as an ongoing way we operate in our home.
Early also brings up the important point of not just focusing on “what” we are watching but also “how” we are watching. We don't want to tune out mindlessly. If we watch something, we want to give it our attention and then engage with the content and with each other. We talk about what we watch. We ask questions. One of our favorite things to do is to discuss the parts we thought were interesting, beautiful, surprising, mind-blowing, and so on. I agree with Justin that the “how” we watch is generally more important than the “what.” We are careful and thoughtful about what we put in front of our eyes and our kid's eyes. But the truth is that our world is not safe. Our kids are going to encounter dangerous things. They are going to be exposed to stuff we disagree with. Instead of getting too freaked out about what they encounter, we make a point to teach them how to think critically about the things they see and hear.
Chapter 5: Family Devotions
In Christ, our messiness is what qualifies us to come to God. We can't and shouldn't try to clean ourselves up before we come to God. This goes for family worship and devotions as well. We don't need to figure out how to “do the right things” before we simply go to God as a family.
Family worship with kids reminds us constantly that God calls us to come to him like children.
Chapter 6: Marriage
Covenant love isn't devoid of feelings, but it isn't determined by them either. It's a commitment to love even when the feelings aren't there. We tend to think that making choices according to our feelings brings life and freedom. In reality, choosing love despite how we might feel on any given day is what brings real freedom and life.
Marriage being hard doesn't mean that something is wrong. Learning to love a person despite their flaws and difficulties is good work.
Our marriages teach kids about love, for good or for ill.
Teaming up to accomplish your spouse's dreams is a healthy thing to do in marriage.
We aren't trying something new in marriage; we are imitating God's relationship with us.
Chapter 7: Work
Children want to participate in our work. It's good to invite kids into our work just as God invites us into His work.
Work is more than income. Work dignifies us.
We want to teach our kids that work is good and spiritually important. Justin has good thoughts on explaining work's value and purpose to our kids.
Creating beauty in the world and relationships take work. Giving kids work and chores throughout their time in our home helps them learn that good things require the work of our hands.
Chapter 8: Play
Imagination requires humility—a childlike willingness to acknowledge that there are things beyond what we can see.
Play brings life, wonder, and magic back into our world.
Play is often “leaving this world and entering another.”
The command to rest is a playful rebellion against the idea that our work is the most important thing in the universe.
Chapter 9: Conversation
To learn how to have a conversation is to learn the art of friendship.
Justin makes a beautiful observation about how we structure our days. We tend to reserve mornings and evenings for times to have conversations. During the “cool of the day, ” we tend to connect with one another. This echoes when humanity would converse with God in the Garden. Sin makes conversation difficult. When Adam and Eve sinned, they hid from talking with God.
We teach how to befriend each other in our homes so that our kids will learn how to befriend others in the world.
Look for moments and activities that allow for conversations to happen. This is why screens hinder our ability to relate to one another and why things like meal times are important. What are other activities that make room for conversation to happen?
Justin talks about how conversation heals trauma. This is a powerful idea that I was introduced to in the book “Whole Brained Child.” Talking through trauma helps us to relive the story and brings healing. I think this is why confession is also healing. Sin traumatizes us, and confession (admitting and talking through what we've done) brings healing. “Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” James 1:16
Conversation makes us human. Good conversation reveals vulnerability, and being vulnerable builds trust and relational connection. If we want to have a greater influence in our kids' lives, one of the best things we can do is talk to them about our own lives.
Chapter 10: Bedtime
My reactions reveal more about me than they do the person I'm reacting to.
Our parenting reminds us of our sin, our need for grace, and the chance to be parented by Jesus.
I loved the practical blessings and habits in this chapter. Many are physical (tickle blessing, bouncing, etc.), and I think Early's insight about how physical engagement draws kids in and leads our minds to engage more in the moment is wonderful.
Prayers develop and flow as we pray. The Lord leads us and reveals things to us as we are praying.
Parenting Between the Now and the Not Yet
Living into the future makes our lives meaningful and beautiful. We weren't made just to survive.
That being said, this present moment is all we have. We make choices in the now, not in the future.
Formation is a long game. We make choices with our habits to accomplish the little that we can today, our hope resting on “what God will accomplish in the not yet.”
